TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, town Traditionally known for ancient tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be remarkable. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the finest. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely from put. Created by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, positive, let us have another position in which American Gentlemen can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: present All people a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It truly is that he really should quit making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the venture, replied, "You understand, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic individuals. Good tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the hotel's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head seen from Area, a function currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams Trump Tower Damascus have filed lawsuits immediately after acquiring the making's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It can be not simply hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Perplexing Features


Perhaps the strangest factor in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium wherever attendees may perhaps contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local climate Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Technique: "In case you Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Eternally."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "exactly where's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is currently attracting focus from international investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also incorporate:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to see a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort in which my PTSD can have turn-down company."


Another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences counsel:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Ideas with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It necessary gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave all of it a few. You happen to be welcome."

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